Listy listy
by boogle
Summary: FINISHED! Red dwarf gets hit by a meteor shower and the crew find themselves on an evil planet inhabited by... evil things... Lister and Rimmer get abducted by them! gasp but will Cat ever get his hair mousse back?
1. meteors, aww

New fic! Whooooop!

Disclaimer: sigh not mine; I would love myself if it was, but sadly I'm just not that darn clever.

……………………………

"Emergency, there's an emergency going on…" Holly paused, "it's still going on…" then, after getting no response whatsoever shouted, "OI!"

"w-wha!" Lister said sleepily, falling out of his bunk with a thud.

"I said there's an emergency going on."  
"Oh…" Lister murmured still half asleep, "That's all right then…"

Rimmer leapt out of bed, "What's the emergency?" he said out loud, but in his mind he thought, ALIENS!

"It looks like a load of heavy rocks are coming straight towards us."

"Oh," said Rimmer, disappointed, "Can't you just move out of the way?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I've already tried that!" she flicked her blonde locks disapprovingly; "they seem to have a homing device implanted in them."

Lister had finally woken up, as you do when you hear that sort of thing, "a _homing_ device?"

"Yes Dave, they've been following us for nearly three days now."

"3 days!"

"Yes Dave"

"And you didn't find enough time to mention this to us?"

"No, there was plenty of time; I just got bored… you know."

Lister started to panic, "Well - can't we stop them?"

"Nope. They'll hit us in about 5 hours."

"Five hours? Smeg!"

A load of heavy rocks hit the ship.

"Oops, I meant five seconds!"

….

Cat jumped into the room, his bright green jacket and silver tassels swaying, "What's _happening_ buds? We're getting more shaken than-" he thought for a second, "a very shaken thing!"

"We've just been hit by a meteor shower." said Rimmer calmly, glad to be in his soft light form for once.

"We need help and fast!" Cat practically screeched,

"Don't you think we know that already?"

Cat nodded hysterically, "How can you not know - we've _completely_ run out of salmon!"

Lister unpeeled himself from the wall, "mmfgh"

"That's not the worst of it," Holly's flustered face said, appearing on the monitor, "we're going to crash land!"

Rimmer smiled, the sarcasm almost dripping from his jaw, "Great! What a fantastic day this is!"

The floor vibrated heavily under their feet, Cat yelped, "My shoes! It's wrecking my shoes!" He soon stopped moaning though, as 3 seconds later Cat and Lister were slammed full force into the walls. Rimmer smirked happily. How lovely it was to already be dead.

……….

Before hand, down in the laundry room, Kryten was happily washing Lister's crusty boxers. The washing machine had failed to get the… dirt… off them, so Kryten was having a good old scrub.

He sighed to himself, there really was nothing like washing a pair of disgustingly stained underpants to boost your happiness. He was just bending down to pick up the soap when a gigantic blast from the meteor knocked him off his feet. He got tangled amongst the debris and washing baskets. _Darn,_ he thought sincerely, as his system shut down,_ Now I'll never get Mr Lister's undies clean!_

……..

Tumdeetumdeetum… Just waiting for you to review - please do, they're very much appreciated! Cheers me dears x.x


	2. BBQ sauce

Here's another chapter for you to:

enjoy/ think it's alright/ absolutely smegging hate.

Whatever your reaction I demand that you review!

…………………

Lister woke; surprised to find himself upside down and covered in barbeque sauce. He stayed like that for a while, feeling, just a little, disorientated. After about two minutes he began to wonder _why_ the smeg he was upside down covered in barbeque sauce.

Cat staggered forward, hair all down his face.

"Bud," he gasped, "I need help!"

Lister flopped forward, his head was aching. Must have banged it when they landed. "What?... What is it Cat?"

"Are you _blind_ or something?"

He squinted, "Are… you hurt?"

"I'm dying!" Cat blew the hair out of his eyes in panic, "I need straighteners!"

"Holly? Where are we?" whispered Rimmer's voice, just a little afraid.

A little meaning petrified.

Lister picked himself off the floor with a groan, peering round to see where Rimmer was. He was huddled behind a crate. Typical.

"Rimmer get up man. We're gonna be fine!"

"I wouldn't say that too soon Dave." Holly's head fizzled onto the screen, looking very worried.

"Why?"

"Because we've just crash landed on the planet of Pinkfluff!"

"_Pinkfluff?_" Lister snorted, "Oh god, let's run away before the locals hug us to death!"

"How did you know that's what they do?"  
"What?"  
"The pinkfluff hug is one of their specialities. No one has ever _lived_ long enough to find out what one actually is."

"Well that's just great!" said Cat, "we had to land on _pink_fluff, now I'm gonna clash with the surroundings!"

"Where's Kryten?"

"He's safe for the mo bud; one of the skutters is fixing him up."

"Fixing him up?"

"Yeah… he was pretty smashed up when I saw him… not _that_ bad though…" Cat trailed off, smoothing down his tassels.

A thought popped into Lister's head. "Wait a minute. How did red dwarf crash on such a small planet?"

"Well... You're not on red dwarf."

"Then where the smeg are we Holly?"

"You're in blue midget or… what's left of it"

Cat, Rimmer and Lister looked at each other, "Why?"  
"Well…" Holly laughed nervously, "I beamed you there; it was a bit of fun at the time."

"Well beam us back!" Cat said looking rather flustered, "I left my hair mousse in the cockpit!"

"I can't, the power's down. Sorry, looks like you're on your own dudes."

Lister had just about had enough: his head felt like someone had whacked it twice with a saucepan, a senile computer had beamed them onto a killer pink planet for a laugh, he was splattered with smelly barbeque sauce, and worst of all… there was no curry in sight.

"That's it!" he shouted, "I'm going out there."

"Are you crazy bud?"

"You can't go out there Dave; they'll turn your brain into a blancmange!"

"They'd have to find it first." Rimmer said with a smug smile.

"I'll fix this smegging ship if it's the last thing I do." Lister opened the doors, his mouth a grim slash.

Rimmer sighed, "I'm coming too."

They were more than a little surprised.

"You what?"

"Well, you need _some_ intelligence. I want to get out of here as much as you do Listy."

The human and the hologram walked out of the Blue midget together.

The doors closed behind them with a pneumatic hiss. "Thanks man," Lister whispered.

"I'd say it was nothing… but I'd be a total and utter smegging liar."

……………

Review, yeahyeah, review!

Whoopee! x.x


	3. beautiful

Okay… you have to review, I need reviews! I demand that you review!

……..

The Cat was flitting around blue midget, searching for some mousse to tame his tangling hair. Unfortunately, he had no such luck. The only things he did find were a disgusting pair of yellowing socks – no doubt they were Lister's, and an empty bottle of barbeque sauce.

…..

Lister heaved a lungful of air. It was so clean. So refreshing. Nothing about this planet seemed to be wrong at all. Holly must have got her facts wrong again. It wouldn't be the first time either.

Blue midget had landed in a great big pink field. There's no need to say that it definitely looked out of place. But, I did anyway.

"Okay," said Lister rubbing his hands together, "we need to fix that engine."

Rimmer sighed, "And how do you propose we do that? We have no tools, no supplies, and no idea where red dwarf is – face it Listy we're doomed."

"We'll be fine Rimmer, I mean look how beautiful this place is! How can anything bad happen in a place like this? It's just too pretty."

Rimmer frowned, "pretty?"

"Yeah…" Lister's eyes had gone dreamy, "look at it… it's so lovely and _pink_."

The words seemed very very wrong coming from his mouth. "_Pink_? Lister are you feeling okay?"

Lister was no longer listening. The sheer beauty of the place seemed to have imbedded itself into his soul. Beautiful. Beautiful.

"It's… beautiful!" he sighed.

Lister began to walk slowly and steadily out of the field. Rimmer followed him.

"Lister – stop! What are you doing, we're trying to get _out_ of here! You'll just get lost-"

"Beautiful," said Lister again. He didn't slow his pace. He was heading for something.

…..

Kryten opened his eyes. Ah, the skutters had done a fine job! Now if he could just get his head the right way around…

Cat stuck his head through the door, "Bud? They said they'd be back _ten minutes_ ago - I need my hair mousse!"

Kryten screwed his head on with a pop. "What do you mean sir?"

"I mean alphabet head and chipmunk cheeks!"

"I don't think I understand. Where did they go?"

Cat rolled his eyes, _jeesh, was this guy slow on the uptake._ "They went out there, to fix the ship, so we could get off this damn planet, and I could get changed!"

"Oh." said Kryten, and then shouted: **"You let a human and a hologram go out on a dangerous planet that we don't even know the name of**?"

"No," said Cat, "I let them go out on a dangerous planet called pinkfluff!"

Kryten almost blew his top, "PINKFLUFF?"

……

Meanwhile back on the dangerous planet of pinkfluff…

Rimmer ran, trying to keep up with the space bum, but failing miserably.

"Lister slow down!"

But he didn't. He kept on walking. He could see the creatures now. All pink and fluffy and cuddly. He just wanted to give them a hug. Just a little one. A hug. Hug.

Rimmer panted after him, "Lister you SMEGGING GIT!"

Lister gazed at them, and reached out with his fingertips to touch one.

Instead of the fluffy softness he expected there was something else. Something he didn't much like at all. Something extremely painful jolted up his arm.

……

……

Review, review, review right now! I've only got 3 reviews… I mean come on! Don't I mean more than that? Please!


	4. sock gloves and evil hugs

Lol, I'm bored, so I thought 'hey why not do another chapter even though I've only got 4 reviews.'

Thankyou very very very very much sunrise over the tango factory and cazflibs! You people are really nice! Thanks for telling me you liked it. That was a lovely surprise!

On to the chapter:

……………

"Mr Cat sir – are you coming?"

Cat raised an eyebrow, "Pink with _these_ tassels?"

Kryten wasn't even going to reply to that statement. He ran out of the doors as quickly as his quirky movements let him.

Cat watched him go. Why was life so unfair? He hadn't changed in an _hour_. An entire hour!

Cat picked up the pair of Lister's socks he had found with a sigh. _Maybe I could make them into a pair of gloves?_ He thought to himself silently. Then after about 2 minutes he thought, _Wait – yellow doesn't go with the sequins _- he chucked the socks away with a look of disgust,_ Oh god! An hour with no hair mousse has driven me insane!_

…………

"Mr Rimmer? Mr Lister?"

They must have walked out of the pink field… or something _forced_ them out of the pink field. Kryten sobbed, rushing forward, the magenta grass brushing at his legs.

He quickly switched to guilt mode. Poor Mr Lister! He didn't want to think about what could have happened to him. Especially on the planet of Pinkfluff!

He was so worried he almost missed the creatures.

………………..

Lister's expression changed so quickly you could have missed it just by blinking.

The pure delight changed into a look of terror and pain. _ARGGGG_! He thought rather loudly.

But not a sound escaped his lips.

Rimmer was beginning to panic, "Lister! Pull your hand away!"

Lister tried, smeg did he try!

But his hand wouldn't shift; it was as if it were glued. The texture of the creature's skin was scaly and almost spiky under his palm. So how come it looked so warm and inviting, so soft and cuddly?

"Lister for smeg's sake!"

The words seemed far away to Lister. He felt his eyes close. The pain was excruciating now. Like a million volts of electricity were shocking their way through his body.

And all Rimmer could do was watch. He knew it was stupid idea, him coming out. As if he could do anything to stop this happening. He looked down at his soft light form sadly. He said that he would protect Lister.

What a fine job he was doing.

Out of the corner of his eye Rimmer saw something, he whipped around, seeing a very worried looking Kryten about 10 metres away.

Rimmer had never been so happy to see him… in fact; he _never_ been happy to see him at all. "Kryten!"

Lister's eyes opened sleepily at the sound of the mechanoid's name. He watched, eyes glazed, as the creature's arms wrapped slowly around him. The pink fluffy limbs were obscuring his vision, attempting to pull him into a hug. Smeg if he was gonna let that happen.

Kryten was here now. He felt his misshaped hands on his shoulders, pulling him away.

Unfortunately for the boys from the dwarf, the creatures of Pinkfluff don't give up that easily.

……………

All reviews are welcome; I don't care if they are ones telling me that I write awfully, or that my plot sucks! I just want reviews. Please. It means a lot to me, lol, I need to know what other people think! Thank you x.x


	5. gone?

Thank you: Sunrise over the tango factory, Hermione 2000, and Zombie kitty – yay I love getting reviews lol.

……

Cat was about to make a big sacrifice, for the good of the crew and stylish hair he had decided to go. Go outside.

He had spent a large amount of time dyeing his bright green suit to a light shade of blue; it was wonderful what you could do with a few felt pens and a can of blueberries! Maybe he could pull this off!

He leapt out of the door "I'm coming buds!"

A few seconds later he ran back inside. The tassels clashed.

5 more minutes later and he bounded out of the doors with a flashy grin; "_Now_ I'm coming buds!" he jogged through the pink field – now that he was at his most stylish nothing could go wrong! "You better watch your step – I'm hotter than a chicken vindaloo in a heat wave!"

………

"Mr Lister sir! Let go! Please!"

Kryten prised Lister away, knowing full well that if he kept in contact for much longer, there would be no Lister left to save.

Lister was fully unconscious by now. The whole thing must have looked utterly pathetic really. Laughable.

An adorable, pink, fluffy, sweet, cuddly thing with 2 arms and a round body was attempting to give someone a hug.

That was all.

Of course, really, it was much more than just a hug. A hug is normally a sign of affection… and sure as hell, this was definitely not one of those. This was more like an 'I'm-gonna-zap-all-the-energy-and-life-out-of-you-coz-I'm-so-evil-and-then-I'm-gonna-leave-you-to-rot' _death sentence_.

But it sure did _look_ like a hug.

Kryten pulled. And pulled And pulled

One last time, he gathered the last of his strength in his mechanical arms and heaved.

Lister let go.

They landed in a confused and squashed and quite painful heap on the ground.

"Oh thank god! Mr Lister!"

Poor Kryten. Thinking he'd won when really he'd lost.

They weren't to know that the Pinkfluff inhabitants loved barbeque sauce.

……….

"I'm looking nice!" said Cat, doing a quick Michael Jackson spin, and twirling the pink grass under his shoes. The only thing he needed now was his hair mousse. It was the only thing that kept him going. That and the love of his gorgeous ass. He'd never let that go to waste - there were so many beautiful females out there who hadn't seen it yet, he'd hate for them to miss out.

……….

The Pinkfluff thing had got bored by now. All it wanted was to suck the life out of everything. Was that too much to ask? The smelly human thing still had some energy left and, for some odd but delightful reason, he was dripping with barbeque sauce. It wasn't going to be there for long.

Kryten lifted Lister up from under his armpits and dragged him away.

_Not bloody likely_ thought the creatures.

Quick as lightning, a little bit frightening, and almost as if they were kung-foo fighting, the creatures leapt forward. With a fling of their over-grown limbs, they scooped Lister up.

In a soft warming voice, like a feather on the wind, one said "Bugger off, we're gonna suck him 'til he's dry!"

As if as an afterthought, one, slightly bigger and fluffier creature, grabbed Rimmer by his light bee.

"Ow! Get off me you over-grown demon furby!"

A strange noise whistled through the air. A sudden flash and they disappeared.

Kryten was left alone.

He blinked, his mouth hanging open.

It was at that precise moment that Cat strode in, like a … Cat in shining armour.

"Am I cool or what? I risked my life to come and save you and still had time for outstanding fashion sense!"

Kryten just stared at the feline.

"What?"

……..

Laaa! I know I say this all the time, and it's getting annoying, buti don't care: **REVIEW!**


	6. sorry

Okay, I'm really really sorry! My writing sucks and no one has a clue what I'm on about!

Anyway, for those who are confused (which is the majority of those who read this, including me,) this is what has happened so far:

Red dwarf got hit by a meteor shower. Holly beamed the crew and skutters onto blue midget. Blue midget crash landed on the planet of Pinkfluff. They can't get back because the power is down. Lister and Rimmer went out to fix the ship. Evil creatures came and zapped Rimmer and Lister away. Dear god it _is_ confusing!

Thank you reviewers! **Reddwarfaddict,** **Sunrise over the tango factory**, and **Giver-of-hope** - thanks for letting me know what you thought x.x

Criticism is welcome!

……………….

……………….

Lister groaned, from what he could remember he was not having a good day.

A very foggy image of Rimmer was standing in front of him.

"Lister? Are you awake?"

He shifted his head groggily, willing his eyes to focus on the person's face, "Rimmer?"

Rimmer moved closer, "You're such a smeghead you know that!"

That wasn't quite what Lister was expecting; he managed to sit up, "what?"

"You! You and your stupid habit of gallivanting off, I told you we'd get lost!"

"I - what?"

"You got us into this horrible mess! I told you to stop but you wouldn't listen. I risked my life for you, and for what? Nothing! _Smeg_ all!"  
Lister rubbed his head for a moment, "… I don't remember…"

Rimmer sat on the floor, pulling his knees close. "Oh it doesn't matter anyway! We're going to die." He looked Lister in the eye, "I just want you to know that this is all your fault!"

"Oh… thanks Rimmer."

He took a moment to look at the surroundings. Something about this place was strangely familiar. He massaged his head a little. It was dark, and there was the slight buzzing of electrical equipment around him.

It was cramped in here.

Rimmer was saying something again, but Lister wasn't listening properly. He couldn't.

It was cramped in here.

…………

"I'm afraid to say that they are GELF's again sir."

Cat whistled, "_Again_? Boy this writer seems to be running out of ideas pretty fast!"

"What was that sir?"

"I have no idea."

Kryten would have frowned, had he had any eyebrows to frown with, "Anyway, as I was saying, they are genetically engineered life forms who relieve people of their lives to fuel they're own existence. They were invented by humans."

Cat raised an eyebrow, "Invented by _humans_? What the hell for?"

"Well, they _were_ invented for the perfect way to get rid of space weevils. But soon after that, the GELF's decided that space weevils spread like wildfire, had such tiny insignificant lives it was hardly worth taking them, and frankly were absolutely disgusting! So they tried out other lives too."

Cat had lost all interest by now, "Oh… well… that's interesting."

"I thought so sir."

"What were we doing again?"

They thought for a second or two. "Mr Lister!" yelled Kryten running back to blue midget, so fast that he looked like a silvery-pink blur.

"Oh yeah." Said Cat.

……………

The door whooshed open. And there were two creatures. In all they're pink fluffy cuddliness.

"Smeg off!" said Rimmer.

Lister was starting to panic. He was trapped. The room was small. Too small. The walls. Pushing in at all sides. He took a breath, realising with a sudden stab of pain that his breathing was strangely restricted, and his chest tight. Like the room. Closing in. Suffocating him. He couldn't breath. He couldn't breath. The pink things were coming closer.

"Lister, I'd like to say again: THIS IS ALL YOUR SMEGGING FAULT!"

Lister shut his eyes. Hard. "I know."

……..


	7. fixed

Boogle: Okay, another chappie! If it's crap tell me it's crap, I can take it! Just tell me - just say _'it's crap'_. I won't care!

Random reviewer: It's crap

Boogle: Oh god! Why do I even _bother_! I STINK!  
runs off in a hysterical fit of crying and sobbing and chucking heavy objects across the room, vowing never to write another word again, so long as she lives

Yeah… that is so not going to happen, so review, say whatever you think!

…………

…………

Kryten sat in Blue midget and sobbed. "Oh it's all my fault, Mr Cat sir!" he grabbed Lister's yellow socks and blew his nose, "If I hadn't have gotten all smashed up he wouldn't have gone outside! I'm so darn _selfish_! It's just me me me all the time! I should have stopped and thought for a second. Poor Mr Lister!"

Cat was taking this pretty hard too, "I can't believe it…" he wiped his eyes, "I'll never get to sort my hair out! And my suits - What about my suits!"

Holly's head fizzled onto the monitor, "Can I interrupt for a moment dudes?"

Kryten burst into tears, sobbing hysterically, "I- I- I- I- I-"

She swished her blonde locks back, with a sigh, "I fixed blue midget's engine a while ago. So whenever you want to take off, just let me know"  
"What?"

"You fixed blue midget and you didn't _mention_ it?" Cat said, "_Again_?"

Holly smiled, "Naa…"

"You mean I could've got my hair mousse back ages ago? Do you have a heart at all?"

"No - I am a computer you know."

Cat ignored her, "Look at me, I'm a wreck! I'm without my usual sleek silky locks, my ass hasn't seen a new suit for so long it's lost the will to live, and I'm starting to think that cargo pants might not look so bad!"

"Well…" said holly with her annoying smile, "it's a bit of fun ain't it?"

…………..

Blue midget docked red dwarf faster than Cat when he sees an attractive female. And for those who don't know, that's _fast_!

………….

Cat and Kryten ran down the corridor, bazookoids blazing. Cat was wearing a stylish black and yellow number he had found quickly onboard. _Smeg_ knows how! Knowing him it was probably from a secret stash. No hair mousse as of yet, but now that his ass was happy he felt much better. Kryten was looking rather agitated.

"This is ridiculous sir! You know I can't kill!"

Cat smiled, white teeth catching the light, "Yeah, but hell do we look _good_!"

Kryten sighed dramatically, "We don't even know where they are being held, it could be miles away!"

Cat stopped for a moment, sniffing the air thoughtfully, "You know - it's strange... i can smell something..."

…….

"We're going to have to kill you." The thing's voice was layered with sweetness, dribbled with honey.

Rimmer made a nervous sound in his throat, "O- okay, but kill him first, he- he probably tastes better than me - I'd be all squishy and tasteless and awful and grimy – and - and besides I'd _hate_ for Listy to see me suffer."

Lister was way past scared. He was rocking backwards and forwards eyes wide. Rimmer looked at him, almost in pity; he had pulled his knees up to his chin and was clasping his legs.

A creature moved forward, "We'd rather suck you dry first."

Rimmer thought about this, "Oh." he said.

One creature extended a fluffy limb, gripping Rimmer's light bee with a soft hand. The pain that followed was like none that Rimmer had ever experienced. And _smeg_ did it hurt! It was like your life, your very existence was being sucked out of you. Like something was battering at your soul with heavy iron fists. Like you were being tied, upside down, to a manic tree, set alight and chopped down with a chainsaw, then fired up into space and blown to smithereens.

And Lister went through this?

Strangely, the only thing Lister could compare it to, was half an hour of sitting through Rimmer's collection of Hammond organ music.

………….

"What? What can you smell sir?"

"I smell..." Cat paused, narrowing his eyes, "I smell barbeque sauce."

………….  
...

yawn review, I get very bored.


	8. Poor Cat

Cheers reviewers!

Giver-of-hope: Cat was running with a bazookoid because… urm… they didn't know what was on red dwarf and just wanted to be safe? - Lame I know… But I wasn't really thinking at the time - sorry! I'll try and check next time, thanks for letting me know.

Okay this is just a little filler chapter because, frankly, I can't be asked. I'm going to a theme park tomorrow on a school trip! How amazing is that? Okay boasting over; enjoy the chappie:

………….  
………….

Cat and Kryten were in the corridor.

Cat was muttering to himself. "Barbeque sauce… There was something about _barbeque_ _sauce_…"

"What sir? What about barbeque sauce?"  
Cat thought, "I can't remember," he smiled, "but boy was it important!"

Kryten waved his hands about, exasperated, "Please sir, think harder!"

"Okay okay, don't rush me bud!" he closed his eyes, sniffing deeply. "Hey I know! Barbeque sauce - It doesn't go well with my mauve and tiger print suit!"  
"Sir, I'm not _quite_ sure that was it."

"Oh… it must be that Lister was covered in it when we crash landed then."

"Covered in it? But if the smell is _here_ then that means he must be on _red dwarf_!"

Cat rolled his eyes, "Well duh! I smelt his _curry_ trail ages ago!"

And so the search for Rimmer and Lister began. Cue cheesy music!

…………………..

Rimmer couldn't take anymore. The pain was immense, spreading through his torso like a deadly virus.

Lister looked at him, breaking free of his own panic, and staring at Rimmer with his coffee-brown eyes. Rimmer's light was dying away. The pain was evident in his features. He needed Lister, quickly, or they were all dead. A sudden anger powered through Lister's veins. A surge of adrenaline.

This shouldn't happen to anyone. Not even Rimmer… even though he probably deserved it one way or another.

Lister found the strength to stand up; before he knew what he was doing he had grabbed the pink thing and flung it across the room. The surprised GELF crashed into its fellow creature. They lay still on the floor and didn't get back up again.

Pain strung up his fingers; like a million violin strings being plucked.

"Smeg!" he could feel his arms breaking. Feel the bones snap. His face was a mask of pain, and he sunk to the ground.

"Lister!" said Rimmer, his light was fading in and out, like a badly tuned television set.

……………

Meanwhile the search was going well. No Rimmer or Lister, but on the upside they hadn't met any evil creatures yet.

Not long down the corridor and Cat found something… Some _things_.

There was a pile of empty hair mousse bottles littering the floor. The words echoed around his head. Empty… Empty…

He couldn't find the right words, they stuck in his throat, he said in a dry voice, "The mousse has gone…"  
Kryten came up behind him, "What's that sir?"

It registered, like a sudden stab in the chest, "THE MOUSSE HAS GONE!"

"Oh-" said Kryten, trying to think of something to say.

Cat didn't wait for him; the shock was beginning to settle in: "My hair! My beautiful hair!"

"Please calm down sir! Breathe, breathe!"

Cat breathed, "It's not helping bud!"

"Don't panic, the important thing to remember is not to PANIC!"

"I'm not panicking! I'm just worrying hysterically about my hair!" he dropped the bottle he had been holding, as if disgusted by the lack of mousse in it.

"Sir, you're going into shock! Stop it!"

"I can't! Oh god my hair! My poor beautiful gorgeous hair!"

Kryten sat Cat down, who by now was shuddering feverishly.

"Just stay here sir! I'll find Mr Lister; he'll know what to do."

Cat stopped going into shock for a moment and said, "You're gonna get chipmunk cheeks, the slobbiest slob in the universe, to help me? My hair mousse has gone and you're gonna get a man who wears long johns, bright orange space boots and _dreadlocks_ to help! _Now I'm in shock!_" and it was true, he was. Not long after that he fainted. Kryten lay him down in a cabin and set off at a running pace.

…………….

"How did you – why –how?" Rimmer gasped.

Lister's hands flopped uselessly at his sides, he grimaced, "I didn't want… you to get hurt."

Rimmer looked at him incredulously. Lister had just saved his life. Lister. His smelly bunkmate. The man, who through all these years, he had despised and hated with pure relish - He didn't know what to say. The whole English language seemed to have flown out of the window.

Lister looked at him in pain and said: "You would've done… the same for me."

Rimmer looked away. He couldn't face Lister's gaze. Would he have? Would he have done the same for Lister? He didn't know the answer. His gaze wandered to the door where the creatures lay in the crumpled doorway.

The crumpled doorway.

There only means of escape gone. Poof! Gone in a puff of smoke. Rimmer frowned, pointing at the doorway with a fading finger,

"You _git_, how are we gonna get out now?"

…………….  
…………….

I'd be most grateful if you would kindly review.

Ahem… REVIEW!


	9. styled hair medium rare

Lovely reviewers - you are wonderful people! Thank you very much: **Zombie Kitty**, **reddwarfaddict**, **Sunrise over the Tango factory**,** cazflibs mw**,** Kara Collins **and **Hermione 2000**,  
Ah, I love getting reviews! I can see the next chappie below – why don't you read it?  
Nothing much happens in this, I was too tired, just came back from the trip, it was fantastic!

……..  
……..

Holly's face appeared, "I've worked it out!" she spun her head around in a little victory dance, "Those pink GELFs nicked my teleporter thing, and beamed Rimmer and Dave to red dwarf. They must have chucked that meteor shower at us as well!" She then realised that no one was actually there, blushed and proceeded to appear on a different screen.

"Those pink GELFs nicked my teleporter thing, and beamed Rimmer and Lister to red dwarf. They must have chucked that meteor shower at us as well!"

Kryten said, "I see, it's all beginning to make sense - they also must have messed with your programming and made _you_ transfer _us_ onto blue midget."  
Holly shifted uneasily, "Urm… yes… that's what happened."

…….

Lister battered at the door with his fists, but his energy had almost completely left him. He felt dizzy, like the room was moving without him. He turned around, listening to what Rimmer was saying, and after a short while he decided not to listen anymore. It was probably for the best. Most of it involved the words: Lister's buttocks, pain, and life-size manikin of Elvis Presley.

The room was swaying. Lister decided. The floor was shifting beneath his feet. He wasn't going to argue with it. In fact, he was going to join it. His knees crumpled beneath him when he finally fainted.

Rimmer didn't stop his ranting. It was half an hour later when he finally realised that Lister was unconscious. Even then he didn't stop. There really is nothing like a good old rant.

…….

"Holly, could you tell me where Mr Lister and Mr Rimmer are?"

"Hang on a mo." She disappeared then filtered back on after an appropriate amount of time, "yep, they're on F deck in one of the smelly old rooms. I think they're locked in there."

"Oh poor Mr Lister! I doubt there are curry supplies in there – and he missed his midday vindaloo!" Kryten wrung his hands in despair, "How do I get them out?"

"Well how am I supposed to know? I've got enough on my plate thank you! No one respects my feeling you know, you try to have a decent conversation with someone and then you find out they're not even there! How do you think that makes me feel?"

…….

Rimmer peered anxiously at the creatures. Then he noticed their oddly styled hair. Then he thought about this.

"Lister?"

Of course, Lister was unconscious and hadn't spoken in over in hour, so it was not surprising that he didn't speak now.

Rimmer nudged him lightly with his boot, "Lister?" not a peep. He kicked him. Nope. He shook him. Still no. He sat on him. That got a groan. He sang Celine Dion in his ear. Nobody could sleep through that. That got a swift punch in the face.

Rimmer rubbed his nose, "Finally you're awake!"

Lister groaned trying to sit up. "Did you sing… Celine Dion in my ear?"

"Never mind that, I was thinking -"

"That's interesting,"

"- I was thinking about those creatures, they've styled their hair."

Lister looked at one with half-closed eyes, "so they have."

"I bet it was Cat's hair mousse!"

"Rimmer, what are you on about? We're all gonna die one way or another… does it really matter if they've styled… their hair or not?"

"Yes! That stuff is highly flammable!"

"So?"

"_So_ all we have to do is set those things alight and BOOM we're out of here!"

"Rimmer! That's so… inhumane!"

"So? Who gives a smeg? We'll be free; it's no different to blasting them with bazookoid fire!"

"Yes it is! You couldn't roast a potato on the bazookoid fire; you're gonna blast those things to hell and back!"

"Oh go stuff you're morals, we're doing the world a favour." He stood up creeping over to where the creatures lay, "Now… have you got a lighter?"

…….  
…….

Urm... I know I _always_ say this, but… could you, perhaps, review? Pretty please? Pretty please with sugar on top and raspberry sauce and hundreds and thousands sprinkled on it? Thank you!


	10. KABOOM!

Hey hey! Thanks! Sunrise over the Tango factory, Reddwarfaddict, Hermione 2000: Here's another chappie for you lovely tolerant people:

…….

…….

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Do you have a lighter?"

Lister sighed, "Yes…"

"Well hurry up then, light the buggers!"

"I… I don't want to Rimmer."

"Look Listy, we'll all die if you don't. You're the only one who can actually do anything, now get off your arse and do it!"

Lister tried to stand up. And failed. He tried again. His feet couldn't find the floor. Rimmer watched him for a while with some amusement, and some - could it possibly be - pity?

"I would help you up, but I can't."

"Okay Rimmer."

He folded his arms, "Like I said I would if I could!"

"I believe you," Lister tried yet again, it didn't help. It was like an extra strong and particularly evil magnet was pulling him back to the ground. "Why did you even bother sitting on me before? Freaked me out, you went right through me man!"

"Thanks for another lovely reminder that I'm dead Listy. Now get up!"

"I'm trying!" and he was. The whole world was rocking, he closed his eyes and stood up. Rimmer could see the strain in his face.

"Lovely. Now would you just get your rear end over here and light those things, they might wake up!"

"Alright…"

…….

"Mr Lister?" Kryten sped down the corridors on F deck, "Mr Rimmer? Are you here?" then he caught sight of the crumpled doorway.

The crumpled doorway.

The crumpled doorway?

The crumpled doorway!

"Oh Creator!" there was no way they were gonna get out of there.

…….

Lister perked his head up a little, "What's that?"

"What's what?"

"That sound."

"What sound?"

"Oh shut up Rimmer and listen!"

"You're just trying to get out of it aren't you, you're just too scared to blow those buggers to kingdom come!"

"Shut up!"

Then there was the muffled sound of something. They ran over to the door.

"Sirs? Sirs are you in there?"

"It's Kryten!"

"Oh Mr Lister sir! You're alive!"

Rimmer cut in, "Not for long unless he lights them."

"Oh sir! It's horrifyingly awful!"

Lister leaned against the door, "What is?"

Kryten's voice went all high and squeaky, "You're - you're stuck in their sir, and it's all my fault!"

"Don't be silly man… it's not your fault, we can get out."

"No you can't! You're going to die a horrible death and never get to eat your midday vindaloo! I feel terrible!"

"We've already got a plan, you bogbot from hell, we're going to set them alight aren't we Listy? Blow the door and escape."

"That's fantastic sir!"

"Now if Lister would kindly do it and save us all this fuss,"

Lister shut his eyes again as another wave of nausea swept over him. Rimmer was right, which was incredibly strange, he had to do this.

"Alright… I'll do it." He knelt down to the creatures' fur. This felt wrong. Their soft pink hair was gloopy and styled. He sighed, flipping the lighter. He watched the flame flicker for a moment, the light reflecting in his deep brown eyes. He lowered it. The creature caught fire.

**KKAAAABBBOOOOOOOOOOMM!**

No one really expected it to be _that_ big an explosion.

Whoops…

…….

Ah what fun! Review!


	11. dust is falling lalalala

_**Okay, I apologise for the lack of Cat in the last chapters!**_

_Thanks reviewers! Reddwarfaddict, Giver-of-hope, Sunrise over the Tango factory and Zombie kitty._

_It's at times like these_ - when I have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on in my fic, I'm trying very hard not to kill my favourite character (Lister) and I forgot about one important feline (Cat) for a whopping total of 2 chapters - _that I love to write! Ha!_

…….  
…….

Cat mumbled in his sleep. He was having a horrible nightmare. Poor Cat. He kept running towards some hair mousse, only to have it blown apart as soon as he got anywhere near.

At the sound of a sudden explosion nearby he jerked awake. It was all true he realised in panic, the mousse had gone. He had wished it all to be a dream, but the facts were there: his locks, still untamed, hung over his face. The mousse had gone. He was gonna kill those pink buggers if it was the last thing he did. They wouldn't get away with it. He would make them pay.

…….

In some ways, Rimmer's bright idea worked. The door was blown apart. They were free. But in other ways, it was a complete and _utter_ failure, just like all the other famous Rimmer plans. The force of the explosion was so great it ripped apart most of the surrounding walls and ceiling. They were trapped again. And of course, there were injuries. Bad ones.

Whoops, really _was_ the right word.

"Sirs?" Kryten's voice sounded, "Sirs are you alright?"

"Kryten," Rimmer spluttered, "Where are you?"

"Well, my head is on the other side of where the door used to be, and I have, for the second time, no idea where my body is."

"Oh, okay then," said Rimmer.

"Is Mr Lister there?"

"I can't see." he looked around, a heavy layer of grey obscured his vision, and it didn't help that a lot of stuff was falling right through him onto his light bee.

"Mr Lister sir?"

They listened, but couldn't hear him. The only sound was the soft pattering of dust, as it cascaded down onto the surroundings, like icing sugar on a cake.

"Lister? Where are you?"  
Nothing. Not a peep. Rimmer had a strange feeling in his gut, almost like worry, or sadness. Worry for a friend. Sadness for a loss.

"Lister?"

…….

Cat was angry. He had long since changed into a different outfit; green crushed velvet, with flashy silver buttons and ankle high boots. He was ready to fry their furry butts so hard all that would be left would be a pile of unfashionable soot. Then he'd jump on it. And flush it out into the regions of outer space.

Ha!

…….

Lister wished he was dead. But he knew he wasn't. There was something heavy on his chest, something crushing his ribs. He could hear them crack. He could hear a lot of things.

He could hear Rimmer and Kryten calling for him. He had tried to answer, but the words were stuck in his throat. He could hear his own restricted breathing, shakily gasping with the pain in his chest. He could hear the dust showering over his head. He could hear something sticky oozing and dripping onto the floor. He guessed it was blood. He could taste it in his mouth.

There was nothing he could do.

Rimmer was such a git sometimes.

…….

"Sir, I'm going to use my head as a battering ram! I advise you to get out of the way. Are you ready sir?"

"Kryten, this plan of yours has less probability of succeeding then an Englishman of winning the Eurovision song contest."

"That doesn't stop them entering every year; I'm still going to try."

"Fine, just don't blame me when you end up looking like the Swedish entry."

"Brace yourself sir, I'm coming through!"

There was a heavy thwacking sound. The debris didn't budge at all.

"Ouch."

…….  
…….

I can never seem to leave them happy for long. I do try, believe me, but somehow I just get bored! Ah well…

Okay, guess what I'm gonna say next. Go on! Bet you can't!

Oh darn you guessed it. Hell, I'll say it anyway:

**REVIEW!  
**


	12. GLOOP!

Thanks to: Sunrise over the Tango factory, reddwarfaddict, Giver-of-hope and Zombie kitty, for reviewing! I love you guys! cough

Okay, long chapter here, because I didn't know when to stop, and if it doesn't make sense I'm ever so sorry. x.x

…….  
…….

"Kryten I'm never gonna get out of here!"

"Yes you are sir-"

"No I'm not, not if you keep whacking your head against it, you're just making it worse!"

Kryten rolled his head back thoughtfully, "Sir, for any type of plan to work I need my body. Have you seen it anywhere?"

"No I haven't!"

"Could you look?"

Rimmer sighed, trudging off through the dust, his feet leaving no mark on the floor.

Kryten's voice echoed through, "I'll have to get Cat sir, he can help."

Rimmer looked sadly through the gloom, "Okay, but hurry up."

The sound of Kryten's head rolling along the corridor filtered in around him.

…….

Cat bounded through the corridors, he could smell them. There was something different about the smell now… almost frazzled, crispy, burnt. He sniffed, oh well… Cat skipped along, waving his bazookoid threateningly and following the scent. He was gonna have a little furby barbeque of his own.

…….

Rimmer squinted, there was something moving. Slowly. It was breathing. Lister?

"Lister?"

It was him, buried underneath a mound of debris. He didn't look so good. The blood was seeping through his clothes; hot sticky threads of crimson spattered the floor. Lister's eyelids fluttered as his laboured breathing began to slow.

"Lister, please?" not so much as a flicker, Rimmer tried again louder this time, "Lister!"

Nothing. Lister was dying and there was no one to save him, all Rimmer could do was watch. Watch as he faded away.

Rimmer tried desperately to shift the pile of smashed concrete and metal from his chest, but it was no use, his soft light hands fell right through him.

Rimmer looked at him and sobbed, his throat dry, and his eyes wet with years that couldn't fall. He couldn't help.

Lister would soon be dead. His erratic breathing reminded him of that. There was no escape. Rimmer would be alone. Alone with nothing but his guilt.

…….

It wasn't long before Kryten's head found Cat, "Oh Mr Cat sir!"

Cat looked around for a while before realising that the sound was coming from a talking head on the floor,

"Oh, hi!"

"I'm so glad I found you sir!"

"You are?"

"Yes sir, we need your help."

"Is it to do with those ugly pink no-style furbys? Coz if it is, I've got it covered! I'm gonna roast them on a bazookoid bonfire!"

Kryten frowned, "But sir, don't you have to wait 'til past six to light a bonfire?"

"Oh damn it! That's my whole _plan_ out of the window!"

"Please sir; we don't have much time, could you follow me quickly please?"

Cat straightened his jacket, "Lead the way bud!"

…….

Rimmer didn't know how long he sat there.

Minutes.

Hours.

Then there were the footsteps. Voices too. Kryten? Rimmer's heart skipped a beat. They could help. Finally!

He rose to his feet, shouting. They were outside now. He shivered, running to where the door used to be, "Hello?"

"Mr Rimmer sir, is that you?"

"Yes! Kryten you have to get in here, Lister's hurt badly, I can't help him!"

"We can't get through sir, we'll pull, if you could push in any way it would be a great help."

"But I'm a hologram you dim-witted goit! How the hell am I-"

He was cut off by a groan behind him. It was Lister. He had pushed back the debris and had staggered to his feet, clutching his stomach in pain. It was obvious that he was fighting to stay awake, but somehow, he managed a forced smile.

"Lister." Rimmer stated, "I'm sorry-"

Lister winced as he leant against the rubble. "It's… alright man, we'll… get out." He closed his eyes for a second, and took a breath. "Krytes? You pull… and I'll push."

"Are you sure Mr Lister? The resulting damage it could cause you-"

"Just shut up."

He flung his body with as much force as he could muster. The mound cracked at the blow; more dust coming down in torrents, showering everything with thick grey.

…….

Meanwhile on the safer side of the evil mound of rubble:

"Mr Cat sir, pull!"

Cat checked his nails.

"Why aren't you pulling sir!"

"Pulling? You never said anything about that; I'm not doing any manual labour! It could wreck my suit!"

"Please sir!"

Something wet and gloopy slopped onto Cat's head.

"What the hell was that?" he looked up. It was as if the heavens had opened. He could almost hear the angelic music.

It was hair mousse.

…….  
…….

Yay! Cat's finally got his hair mousse!


	13. crack

Origami!

I apologise for the shortness:

…….  
…….

The rest of what Kryten said was lost on Cat. He was styling his hair, running his hands through the gorgeously sleek locks with pure contentment.

"Bud, I feel so alive!"

"That's great sir, could you possibly help now?"

"Do you even have to ask?"

"Thank you sir!"

A few moments later:

"Sir - if I may ask you - why aren't you pulling?"

"I told you before – I'm not doing any manual labour, I'm a cat! It'll ruin my suit!"

…….

Lister had his eyes closed, and was leaning heavily on what was left of the wall.

"We're never gonna get out…" He whispered, almost to himself, "We're trapped in here."

Rimmer walked over to him, eyes shining with a worry he was not sure how to feel, "Lister, don't worry… we'll get out I promise."

Lister didn't even have the strength to look at him, he barely opened his eyes. The deep brown orbs dull. "I believe you."

…….

"Look bud, I am _not_ pulling that door!"

…….

"Cat!" Rimmer shouted through the door, "if you don't help right now, I'll do something very bad!"

Cat ignored him, "I'm hungry! I haven't eaten for ages, where's the monkey?"

"I'll do something bad to your suits!"

"Oh yeah, how would you do that? You're locked in there bud."

"I have my ways!"

"Whatever, where's the monkey?"

"They'll _be_ no monkey if you don't pull this damn door!"

Cat thought about this, "No monkey?"

"Just _pull_ you stupid moggy!"

Rimmer didn't need to look at Lister to tell he wasn't going to last long. He was coughing. The dust was too thick; it was caking the air, choking his lungs.

"PULL!" Rimmer shouted

"I am pulling!" said Cat, he had given up on _not_ pulling; meanness didn't suit the particular shade of green he was wearing. He smiled and as an afterthought added, "And I look nice doing it too! My suit's nice- my _hair's_ nice!"

Rimmer cut out Cat's self-loving. There was only one thing he could do. They'd never get through in time otherwise. Lister needed help. The dust was just worsening his breathing. And his breathing was already bad. His ribs were broken.

Rimmer sighed; this was not going to end well. But Lister had done the same for him. He was only repaying the favour. Repaying the favour.

Ah smeg.

He smashed his light bee full force at the debris.

Dust flew out into the corridor, spattering Kryten and Cat.

Cat dusted his jacket, "Green and grey! Green and grey? Hey, I think I can pull this off!"

Rimmer's light bee was cracking. He could feel it

The last thing he saw was the rubble tumbling out of the way, and a bloody Lister collapsing by Kryten.

The last thing he thought was: 'well isn't this just tickety boo'.

…….  
…….

Heya! Thankyou very much to: lar-ton (sunrise) and Zombie kitty. Please Review!

Bye x.x


	14. awake

Thank you very much! Luv reviewers: Reddwarfaddict, Zombie kitty, Sunrise over the Tango factory, Cazflibs and Giver-of-hope!

Oh yeh, I got a lot of hits, but not many reviews! If you read you review okay? Those are the rules! Follow them!  
…….  
…….

Rimmer opened his eyes slowly. He didn't feel right. Kryten's blurry face was above him, he must be fixing his light bee. His mind was hazy… why was he lying here? Why did it feel so painful?

With a sudden jolt, he remembered what had happened. What he had done. A strange wad of feelings washed through him.

Concern.

Pride.

He had done the right thing. He had saved someone's life. He was a hero.

Saved someone's life. Had he? He looked around feebly; Lister was nowhere to be seen. Kryten wouldn't have left him on his own would he?

…….

The answer was no. Lister had been left with a very disgruntled Cat, who was only space-bum-sitting because Kryten had tied him very securely to a chair by Lister's bed.

They had found Kryten's body. Obviously. It was nestled amongst the fallen walls, so all Kryten had to do was pop his head back on. Surprisingly it wasn't in bad shape, which was good, because otherwise the story wouldn't work!

Cat grumbled to himself. He wanted to change. But in a way he supposed he was lucky. He'd found the hidden supply of hair mousse! In fact, a mound of bottles lay by his left side right now, he was damned if he was _ever_ gonna let them out of his sight again!

A groan from Lister made him turn his head.

"Bud?"

Lister's eyes were open, but Cat wasn't sure he was actually awake. His eyes were strange and out of focus, the lids half closed.

Cat tried to shift round in his chair, but ended up falling over sideways with a heavy slap. "Urgghh…" he moaned. See, you try to see if someone's okay and you end up like this. Next time he wouldn't bother. This was a shame, because the next time Lister groaned he was awake.

…….

Rimmer felt a little better, and tried to sit up. "Kryten?"

"Sir, I advise that you don't move for a while, I've just finished fixing your light bee."

"To smeg with that, where's Lister?"

"Well… I left him with Mr Cat, he won't wake up sir. He's utterly exhausted and some of his injuries are just – oh!" he dabbed his eyes, "I'm sorry sir, it's just so damn awful!"

"That bad?"

"Worse! There are more of those pink GELF's roaming the ship, Holly's locked them in a room in B deck."

Rimmer frowned, "That doesn't sound so bad,"  
"Yes, but you're forgetting they've got Holly's teleporter with them, it's only a matter of time before they realise and beam themselves here and take over the ship and suck Mr Lister dry-" the rest of his sentence was drowned out by his melodramatic blubbing and weeping.

"Oh…" said Rimmer, "that _does_ sounds bad."

Kryten howled, "I know!"

"Why do they want red dwarf anyway?"

Between sobs Kryten said: "I'm assuming it was for - for the holograms sir. That way they have enough energy to last for a long time."

Rimmer looked disgusted, "So they zap hologram after hologram? Just load them, wipe out their energy and load the next one up? That's so evil!"

"Yeah, they could've just taken you and scarpered - then we'd all be grateful!" Rimmer and Kryten wheeled around to say Cat standing in the doorway, looking very stylish in yet _another_ new suit.

"Cat?"

"How did you get here sir? I thought I tied you very securely to a chair!"

Cat flashed a flashy grin at Kryten, "Yeah, but you're forgetting I have claws. I forgot for a while, but then I remembered!" he noticed Rimmer, "Hey buddy!"

"Why are you here sir? Why aren't you _space-bum-sitting_ Mr Lister?"

"Oh yeah! Right - I just came over to say that chipmunk cheeks is awake, and he ain't feeling too good!"

…….  
…….

Thanks people! Now review! x.x


	15. it's bonfire time!

Whoopee! Another chappie! Cheers to all reviewers: Zombie Kitty, Reddwarfaddict, Quaria, Hermione 2000 x.x

…….  
…….

Chapter fifteen:

Lister felt awful. But he was trying to stand up anyway. He wanted to know if they were okay - if Rimmer was okay. He needed to thank him for what he'd done, he was having a hard time believing what had happened, but he still had to thank the smeghead… Thank Rimmer? That sounded strange. He smiled, heaving his weight up off the bed and planting his feet firmly on the floor, he could get used to it. He had saved Rimmer. Rimmer had saved him. Smeg, they were definitely friends now.

He tried to stand, but gasped out in agony as pain shot up through his ankles. What the smeg was happening?

"Lister?"

He fell to his knees, "What's wrong… with me?"

He could see Rimmer and Kryten in the doorway through glazed eyes; Rimmer was still looking a little frail. His light was dimmer than usual.

"Oh sir!" panicked Kryten, rushing forward to pick Lister up, "We need to get you away from those things! They're hold on you is too strong."

Lister wasn't paying attention; he was gazing at the other occupant of the room. "Rimmer?"

Rimmer walked over to him with a look of concern crossing his features. "Lister."

Lister managed a small smile, "Thanks man… thanks for what you did."

Rimmer smiled as well, that strange warm feeling in his heart again, "Your welcome. Just don't mention it to anyone."

"You're on."

It was at that precise moment that the evil, demon furby-looking, fluffy pink GELFs appeared. Looking very happy with themselves.

Lister and Rimmer looked from the GELFs to each other. Both said the same thing after a moment's pause: "Smeg!"

…….

Cat thought to himself for a second - which was strange, because Cat didn't normally do that. But he had a sudden insistent urge to do so. So he did.

It was a good job he did too.

Something popped into his head. A thought. Wow, he hadn't had one of those for ages! He had forgotten something… what was it? He'd got all his suits. He'd eaten. He'd had twenty naps since lunch. He looked stunning! He'd got gorgeous hair. Gorgeous hair mousse… Hair mousse? The penny dropped.

**HAIR MOUSSE! **

He'd gone and left it in the medibay again! Cloister, those evil bastards had probably got to it - well not if he could help it! He snatched up a bazookoid. That furby bonfire was well overdue! He checked a watch, and it was _past six_. Let the manic burning begin!

…….

Lister could barely stand, let alone fight the GELFs off. Rimmer looked at them with wide scared eyes. They stepped forward with a swish of their fluffy limbs. He shrieked, diving for cover behind a large tray of scalpels.

He wasn't _quite_ ready to be a hero on a regular basis.

Lister closed his eyes. Smeg, let them get him. He couldn't take anymore.

Kryten hid Lister protectively behind his back, and said: "You're just bullies! Now go away and leave poor Mr Lister alone!"  
The pink things looked at each other questioningly and said "Nice try."

Lister collapsed in a crumpled heap behind Kryten, and Rimmer's whimpers could be heard wafting out from under the tray. It would have been a horrible ending if not for the character that was standing silhouetted in the doorway. Cat. Brandishing his bazookoid with a wide grin.

"It's bonfire time furbys!"

…….  
…….

Ha! That was fun. Okay people, please review!


	16. save our butts

Sunrise over the Tango factory, Reddwarfaddict, Hermione 2000 and Giver-of-hope – cheers me dears! The last chappie is below, make my day - read it & review.

….…  
…….

Oh, you should have smegging seen it. Cat was hotter than a menopausal in a summer vindaloo convention.

With seemingly effortless _grace_, _elegance_, _poise_ and _beauty_, Cat let loose about 27 rounds of bazookoid fire - ran like hell - shoved the mound of hair mousse bottles up his jacket and let loose some more shots.

Those things were so frazzled, that by the end of it, they looked like Rimmer's hair when Holly was in a bad mood.

Cat sauntered off, ah revenge was sweet! He looked around to see Lister, Rimmer and Kryten cowering in the corner, "Hey buds!"

They just looked at him.

A GELF stirred.

Cat looked at it, intensely, his hair standing on end. Those buggers weren't _ever_ getting his precious hair mousse again. "You wanna try it bud?"

The creature's eyes were full with worry, it backed away, "No!" and to save the rest of them a lot of humiliation and pain he pressed the big red button on the teleporter.

The frazzled pink things disappeared.

The red dwarf posse looked at the feline with disbelief. Rimmer rubbed his eyes a couple of times and pinched himself, just to make sure he wasn't dreaming.

"Cat – you saved us!"

Cat grinned smugly. "Yeah, and I looked gorgeous doing it too!"

…….

Lister was stuck in bed. He didn't really mind, he felt goddamn _awful_.

Kryten saw his expression and said: "Don't worry sir; now that those mean old GELFs are gone you'll be fine in about a week."

Lister smiled, "So we can use… the self destruct mechanism on the teleporter, and those things will be stranded wherever they are?"

"Yes sir."

"That's a bit strange - we've actually got a bit of luck for once."

"You call this luck?" said Cat, "we've got no salmon and goalpost head's still here!"

Rimmer folded his arms, "I don't want to ruin the happiness or anything," strangely, he looked like he did, "but there seems to be a hole in your plan,"

"Why?"

Rimmer sighed, "Because… we don't know where they are stranded do we? For all we know they could be stranded _here,_ waiting to jump out and decapitate us."

"That's it Rimmer, trust you to look on the bright side."

"But we do know where they are sir," Kryten said with a smile, "They're stranded on the planet of ohmygodabanana."

"Ohmygodabanana?" repeated Lister; it sounded familiar, "Isn't that where I was before?"

Cat butted in, "You mean the last time you got beaten to a pulp?"

"Yeah…"

"And we left you to die?"

"Yeah-" Lister started to feel uncomfortable.

"When you were all alone, and we didn't give a smeg?"

Lister shifted.

Cat persevered, "And when we were so nasty and spiteful to you and called you a fat ugly space bum and said that we'd rather die than be within an inch of you because you were so damn disgusting and after all that you _still_ saved our butts?"

"What?"

Kryten stole the conversation back quickly, "Ohmygodabanana - yes sir, I think they will love it there. There are no other inhabitants and absolutely no barbeque sauce!"

Lister sighed, "No curry either; I don't know how I survived."

…….

Somewhere in the universe, or, more specifically, the planet of ohmygodabanana, the teleporter blew up into tiny fragments and swept away onto the breeze.

The pink creature holding it, said the only thing it could think to say at the time, which was: "Oh smeg."

It was having a bad day…

THE END

…….  
…….

Sorry for the crapness. But I didn't know where this was going really. Ah well… I finished - WOOHOO! Expect another fic soon, coz I have nothing better to do with me spare time… and I love writing. Oh yeah, and I love reviews – so write one! Toodles x.x


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